I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
