We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
