Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
