Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
