is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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