Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I miss vodka workout Fridays
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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