I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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