i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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