On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
