If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
