I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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