What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
