why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
