Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
