The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i came on her dog
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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