I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
