you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
