White coat. Heels.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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