mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it was like eating out sand paper
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
