I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
