...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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