her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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