How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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