Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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