hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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