i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
