Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
