Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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