I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
