Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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