my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
