My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
