It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
