I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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