Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
