my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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