A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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