@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
