my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
