The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
