Soap is not a condiment
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
