my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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