Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
