I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
