Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
