What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
