I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
