No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
