I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
