just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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