forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's never too late to be topless.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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